No Forgiveness: Scintilla day 6

I’ve already discussed my bullying story at a bit of a length . It’s not a part of my life I like to think about, but it still affects me in so many ways that I can never forget it.

If I had to write all of them a letter?

Dear… everyone.

I know that we’re adults now and that we were silly teenagers back then and that you never “meant” to do any of what you did. I suppose you didn’t know better.

But still, you did it, and feeling sorry for it now won’t make it go away.

What if I had been your younger sister, your little brother? Would you have beaten up the boys, scared off the girls, that were tormenting me? But I was no one’s little sister. I was everybody’s punching bag, though.

I don’t want to use the “I’m better than you” argument now. I’m not better than anyone. But this thought was the only one that kept me from suicide back then. So forgive me for holding on to it for a little while longer.

I haven’t moved on. I don’t know that I ever will. I can be at the other end of the country and it still hurts. But I can’t afford to blame all of you anymore. Maybe this pain is such a part of my identity that I’m not willing to let go of it yet.

So, even though I don’t blame you anymore… I can’t forgive you. The pain will reduce as I get older, but my soul will remain forever bruised by your actions.

Not so sincerely,

Anabelle

So… this is it. I don’t have much to say to them, actually. I thought this would be an outpouring of feelings, but I already did that in my earlier post. All I have left is bitterness and a desire to forget. But forgive? I don’t think so.

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5 Comments

Filed under Personal

5 responses to “No Forgiveness: Scintilla day 6

  1. I wouldn’t either. In most cases in fact, I haven’t. Truth be told in many of my own cases, if the opportunity presented itself to extract some kind of vengeance, all be it legal, on those who victimized me in so any ways, I’d probably do it, and find it satisfying.

    This is why I didn’t choose this prompt for scintilla today. Nothing uplifting would come out of anything I would say to them, or on the subject.

    • Anabelle

      There was just nothing for me to say about faith… And I think that expressing my frustration can be helpful still.

  2. Something I learned for myself after years of struggling with it is that forgiveness is something I can do and give for myself, and has very little to do with them. For me that made a huge difference.

    • Anabelle

      Maybe. I don’t know that I’m ready for that yet, though. Somehow I feel it still matters to me to hold on to this grudge.

  3. jasonsbrain

    Do what your heart tells you. They are rotting away somewhere in their self involved bullshit, don’t waste a minute thinking that they deserve any part of you.

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