(Note: Sorry for skipping day 4… I was so exhausted I crashed after work and didn’t come back to the computer.)
On day 2 of Scintilla, I talked about how I felt I had lost my fire and my passion in life.
But I don’t know if I’ve lost it, really. I think I’ve put it to sleep for overwhelming reasons.
Since I left grad school, I’ve been leaning towards becoming a writer. And just as a I had started to commit myself to fiction, I found this job, which would enable me to, you know, eat and have a roof over my head.
So despite how much my heart is kicking and screaming, it’s actually still there. I haven’t lost it.
Do we ever lose aspects of ourselves? I don’t know that we ever do. To echo Dr. House: “people don’t change”.
I think that we put those aspects of ourselves that we don’t want or that aren’t useful to sleep. I think that those parts of ourselves that we long for, or hate, or have forgotten about, are always there under the ashes of our life waiting to be rekindled.
I get frustrated and angry that I can’t just write until the end of my days and not worry about money. It gives me dreams of living in a Star Trek world and is the most likely thing to turn me into an activist.
I’m starting to realize that life is a series of mournings. We mourn for people and things lost, but we mourn for parts of ourselves as well. But just like losing a loved one, the loved one is never forgotten. A smell, a song, an object can revive the emotions we felt for them. I often feel nostalgia for my time as an undergrad, but I’m slowly making peace with that. Lately I am struggling to adapt to the change back into cohabitation; but boy do I sometimes want to be able to do whatever I want.
So, is there a part of me that I feel I’ve lost? Not exactly. Some parts of me I’ve put aside for other things. But I know that these things are still there somewhere inside me, waiting to be awakened.