I’m not not celebrating Halloween because I think it’s silly or a too commercial holiday. I very happily wore a costume and partied with friends the past couple of years.
This year, however, besides from having no established friends in Vancouver and having received no invitations to a Halloween party (and I’m not fishing here, trust me), I’m also swamped with work. Which is, I suppose, a good thing.
But in moments like this I feel lonely. My boyfriend is in another city, my family 5 provinces away. Twitter is nice but it doesn’t replace actual human contact. Last night I drove home from a play and saw a bunch of people dressed up and going to parties and bars; I couldn’t help but think, “not for me, not this year”. And it makes me sad.
I’m used to loneliness I suppose. As a teenager I didn’t have many friends and even though adulthood has been kinder, I still end up in moments where I wish I was a more social person. I don’t need social contact as much as other people but I still do, from time to time.
So, I’m not celebrating Halloween this year, other than giving out candy on Monday night. Times like this make me reflect on how I relate to others. I’m hard to get to know, awkward and often a bit annoying (I am aware). I don’t really know how to handle people socially unless there’s an instant connection–it’s rare but it happens.
My loneliness might be my own fault, but it doesn’t make it easier to handle.