I’ve written dozens of essays. I’m sure if I counted them, only for my 3 years of English undergrad… average of 2 per class, 5 classes a semester, 6 semesters… 60 essays. I’ve probably agonized for hours over every single one of them. For some reason, I really hate writing essays.
But then there’s this childhood dream of mine of becoming somewhat of a novelist. I am aware that it’s the dream of A WHOLE DAMN LOT of people to be published creative writers. I have no creative writing training, unlike my soon to be successful playwright boyfriend. I’ve read twice as many novels as I’ve written essays. I should know how a novel is constructed. But I find myself at a real loss when I get this desire for writing that always ends up into… nothing.
My boyfriend tells me that it’ll come when I have something to say. On Sunday, he wanted to go to the gym, but he got inspired and wrote for the whole afternoon instead.This doesn’t happen to me. I have vague ideas for plots that I may be interested in developing, but nothing more.
I wrote a “novel” when I was about 8 years old. It was about a new mayor setting up new bylaws that were so silly my characters had to move every month to avoid paying their rent. I can’t quite remember how it finished. In 6th grade I wrote a 600-word Halloween story that was praised by my teacher for weeks after. During my teens I made a few attempts at erotica that weren’t so good. Since then every time I have tried to write even a completed story, I gave up after a page or two.
One of my undergrad profs once told me I’d become a creative writer, one day, when I get bored of academia. I don’t think I’m bored of academia yet… I may just be bored generally. And every day for the past week I’ve been pining and thinking but I feel so paralyzed. It’s like I’m expecting to write the next Middlemarch when I know I am far, far away from that kind of genius.
People everywhere on the web are being witty and creative and do interesting things and all I can really spend the time to write about is my boring little life.